I honestly can't even tell if I'm embarrassed, ashamed or just laughing at my own idealistic dreams. 
I am a big dreamer - a true believer in BIG DREAMS, that if you can see it in your mind, it will be a reality. I've been this way my whole life. 

What happens when you grow up in a video store watching Disney. 

When I have an idea, I RUN — head first.
Not just run, this is Full speed ahead. No helmet. No backup plan.

It’s a kind of hyper-focus — a burst of purpose that takes over everything else. Like a massive dopamine hit that puts blinkers on my Peripheral vision. It’s electric. It’s expansive. It’s exhausting.

The idea and creation of Rise & Shine was just that, and when no one enrolled, my heart broke a little. I've cried the tears, eaten my weight in delicious curry. Now, in all honestly, I'm just laughing so hard at myself, because - how on earth did I not see this coming?

I’m almost certain I have ADHD.
But I’ve never looked into it to get a diagnosis. There is a fear that it will become my identity, and I'll use it as an excuse for my behaviours. There is also likely some shame around it as well. Cementing those old beliefs that "there is something wrong with me." 

When I dream, I don’t dream small.
I shoot straight to the top. My beautiful friend has said to me for years, and as recently as yesterday; "Champagne taste on a beer budget". I honestly laugh so hard, because that is how I lived my life. 
Not out of ego — but because there’s a deep seeded belief under there…
That nothing else matters unless I get to the top. I actually don't know what the top is, it just feels like I have to get there. 
That if I just work hard enough, create deeply enough, care big enough — I’ll get “there". 
And because I’ve “done the work,” the top is where I belong - I swear in a past life I must have been a Queen. 

But here’s the truth I’m sitting with now…

When I'm really in my element - Teaching, I find myself sometimes in absolute Euphoria, like I'm teaching from a deeper place within me (likely why I teach yoga, chasing the "hit")

I often speak about celebrating each step. - Now you see why I'm laughing? I mean seriously it should be obvious to me, right?! 

And in all honesty, my brain (tricky she is) I believe I’ve taken the steps.
But the reality… I’ve missed some and it takes me a while to take my foot of the peddle and stop to reflect. 
I’ve been so focused, so productive, so swept up in the dream — that I leapt instead of stepped. 

Rise & Shine is my signature program.

In online business language, that’s the flagship offering — the big one. The one that’s supposed to represent everything you stand for, the one that comes after all the other things. 

Rise & Shine is all the lessons I learnt from my own Healing journey thrown right at you from the top (of god only knows where).

It holds the healing I’ve lived and continue to live.
The tools I use (when the Dopamine and adrenalin wear off) it’s what I teach.
The work I believe in with every part of my being.

I poured myself into building Rise & Shine — refining it, shaping it, bringing it to life, and when I had 0 people enrol; after the tears, the overeating of the best curry EVER, I realised something true…

I’ve been creating it with my small-town lens still on.

And I say that with deep love and gratitude for my home town.
This community has raised me. It’s where I was born, where I’ve raised my girls, and where I’ve shared some of the most meaningful moments of my life. I care deeply about my home town, it's home — you know that.

Which is why I’ve poured my heart into teaching here.
Into growing connections.
Into trying to make this work feel accessible, welcoming, even essential.

But here’s what I’m learning to accept:
Because our town is small — and so full of amazing offerings, events, sports, and commitments — yoga and this kind of inner work simply won’t be for everyone. And I have to be okay with that, that it’s not “rejection”. The truth is, there is SO much for such a small community and I truly believe; how fucking lucky are we that we have so many incredible opportunities in our small country town.

I’ve been trying to make my classes for everyone…
Because I believe in it that much. Because I want to serve, support, uplift.
But when I zoom out, I can see that the numbers, what I have to offer aren’t for everyone. That I’m not for everyone, and for someone who has felt ‘neglected’, that pill is sometimes a little harder to swallow.

And while I’m a grown ass woman, I’ve been a little slow in the “how to process emotions.” I’m thankful that yoga allows me that space to learn and grow. This week, forcefully I took the time and practiced, yoga always helps me to process my feelings and can see the reality and the truth under the chaos of my mind.

My numbers (email list, social media accounts) just aren’t there for a program like Rise & Shine yet — and I’ve been holding myself to expectations that were never sustainable in this context.

I grew up without much praise, or at least, not the kind I thought I needed.
And so as an adult, I didn’t realise how much I chase it. How much I still crave the; “You’re doing amazing.”
The “We see you.” The “This matters.” That external validation that I actually matter. 

And when you launch something so close to your heart — something you know can help people, something that holds your whole healing — and no one signs up?

Holy fuck, what a reality check! 

So now, I’m forced to widening the view, just stretching my fear barrier and dipping my toes in to test the waters.

I was trying to launch a metropolitan dream from a country-town framework.

And I didn’t realise how much I’d neglected the wider community, because again, I felt like I’d done the work.
The online space feels… big and unfamiliar, and I struggle to put myself out there — not because I don’t believe in what I do, but because of that same hyper focus energy. That same hunger for external validation, not to feed the ego, but to feel like I matter. 

This fear around the online space, and how easy it is for me to get caught up and neglect the small steps (including myself and my family) holds me back and keeps me small, but to make a difference - and this work does change lives, I need to lean into the fear. 

Prior to travelling in the caravan as a family, I had a rhythm. Ritual, every day. Wake up, meditate, move, write and breathe. 
I felt connected. Creative. I kept it all alive when we hit the road for our travels.

Until… I lost my darling friend. I stopped, completely.

Stopped moving, started over eating and drinking.
Stopped doing the little daily things that made me me.

When we arrived home, I threw myself into teaching. Hyper focus, creating, so incredibly productive, I felt like I was thriving. Rise & Shine was birthed and created, I was (am) fucking proud. 

I’ve been teaching up to six classes a week.
Movement is my medicine — it always has been.
But the more I taught, the more I created, the less I nourished.

Hyper focus for me, when I’m deep in creation or teaching, I can forget to eat, even forget to drink water. It feels so silly typing this out, but it seriously feels like I blink and the day has disappeared — and suddenly it’s 2:45pm, and I’m racing to pick up the kids, thinking shit, where did the day go? But fuck yeah girl, you’ve done some amazing work today! The little inner voice is yelling at me - WTAF Pete, I asked you to take a pause and feed me, I whispered to your body that I needed water. 

I share this not because I want sympathy or validation. But because I know some of you will feel this. Maybe you’re here too — in the push, in the proving, in the forgetting of your own needs. I also share this because I am by no way perfect, but sometimes strive to be. That the lessons I teach, sometimes I haven't fully embodied because I started a little later in life. I have 35 years of unlearning to do and if you are on a journey of unlearning you will know how much harder it is to unlearn an old skill than it is to learn a new new one. 

And if you are feeling any part of this blog… let’s not shame ourselves. Let’s just pause, take the deepest breath you've take all day and see if the truth reveals itself. Whatever your truth is. Maybe my truth is, I have ADHD and it’s not something to be ashamed of, but something to embrace and seek help – I’ll sit with this a little longer.

Now that I’ve written this out, I’m not ashamed and don’t see this as a failure because no one enrolled in Rise & Shine. 
It just didn’t land — yet. Because it’s still rising, and so am I.

I’m learning how to walk forward with the lessons I’ve learnt in the last couple of days, thankful for my incredible mentor Katie Rose who's words are always both honest and reassuring.

There’s still something sacred here. I believe in Rise and Shine, because I am living proof that it’s not about perfection, it’s just about meeting yourself where you are, and that starting over is not a failure. That starting now, is not too late. That there is timing for everything, and It’s just going to take time to grow roots in the right places.

And in the meantime, I’m returning to the rituals that ground me. The reconnection I need right now. And I’m going to continue to try my damned best to remembering that I don’t have to do it all, all at once. Remember, we can have it all, just not all at once.

So, if you’re still here, still reading, still walking alongside me — thank you my darling.

This sort of work/tools may not be for you, but I bet you know someone who it is for. And if you do, help me reach them, like my posts, share my profile, send them my website, help me reach the people who need/want this work, don't do it for me, do it for them. 

My truth is, I can’t do this alone. I need your help.

And when I’m ready to launch Rise & Shine again — I’ll be doing it from a deeper, more embodied place. One that honours every part of the journey — not just the “top.”

With love and gratitude always,

Peta Ann